Watching our kids be less than perfect is difficult in a culture that puts so much pressure on parents themselves to be perfect.
“Do I want [my kids] to be happy now and not-scared and not-anxious, or, a year from now, do I hope that they pushed through being a-little-anxious and a little scared and became a little more competent?” asks the best selling author of The Gift of Failure. Middle school teacher and journalist, Jessica Lahey, noticed that her children and students "wilted in the face of challenge. They didn’t love learning like they used to. Parents took bad grades personally. Everyone was unhappy."
Lahey reports on research that found that kids raised by directive parents could not complete tasks on their own when parents were not present to direct their children in problem-solving activities.
When it comes to school, parents often feel that if a child fails there, he or she will fail in life. Parents often intervene because they are angry, sad, or afraid. James Lehman makes the case for natural consequences providing the opportunity for growth and change in his article "Why You Should Let Your Child Fail: The Benefits of Natural Consequences." He offers advice for helping your child develop strategies to cope and suggests questions for you to ask your child to help them make a better choice in the future.
"We step in not just to fix the situation, but to soothe ourselves," suggests Rachel Simmons co-founder of the Girls Leadership Institute and best selling author. She dispels some myths (You have complete control over your child’s development — and if you don’t, you’re doing something wrong.) and offers some guidance for parents to be able to offer the gift of failure.
I do want to add that, of course, there will be situations that clearly call for parent intervention. However, these articles are aimed at the times when parents step in to relieve temporary discomfort caused by our children's own poor choices. As this school year is winding down, it might be a good time to evaluate whether we are helping or hindering (in the long run) our children when we intervene on their behalf.
“Do I want [my kids] to be happy now and not-scared and not-anxious, or, a year from now, do I hope that they pushed through being a-little-anxious and a little scared and became a little more competent?” asks the best selling author of The Gift of Failure. Middle school teacher and journalist, Jessica Lahey, noticed that her children and students "wilted in the face of challenge. They didn’t love learning like they used to. Parents took bad grades personally. Everyone was unhappy."
Lahey reports on research that found that kids raised by directive parents could not complete tasks on their own when parents were not present to direct their children in problem-solving activities.
When it comes to school, parents often feel that if a child fails there, he or she will fail in life. Parents often intervene because they are angry, sad, or afraid. James Lehman makes the case for natural consequences providing the opportunity for growth and change in his article "Why You Should Let Your Child Fail: The Benefits of Natural Consequences." He offers advice for helping your child develop strategies to cope and suggests questions for you to ask your child to help them make a better choice in the future.
"We step in not just to fix the situation, but to soothe ourselves," suggests Rachel Simmons co-founder of the Girls Leadership Institute and best selling author. She dispels some myths (You have complete control over your child’s development — and if you don’t, you’re doing something wrong.) and offers some guidance for parents to be able to offer the gift of failure.
I do want to add that, of course, there will be situations that clearly call for parent intervention. However, these articles are aimed at the times when parents step in to relieve temporary discomfort caused by our children's own poor choices. As this school year is winding down, it might be a good time to evaluate whether we are helping or hindering (in the long run) our children when we intervene on their behalf.
